Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

murder on the timeline

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings: