Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
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All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.