Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

😂🖐️

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

A double negative is a big no-no.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.