Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

fly smarter, not harder

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat