*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
You Might Also Like
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.