Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment

McDonald’s employee: ok

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.