*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.