Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

Nigella has gone too far this time.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

I don’t get marriage

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.