*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is