Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
sin harder.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection