Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me too
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful