Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
For anyone who needs this today
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.