Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

ㅤ

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.