Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

“FOUND ‘EM!”

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad