Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.