[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
what the
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.