[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question