Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

☺️

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy