Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids: