Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I’m literally crying

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

mathematically impossible

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops