Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
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I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”