Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.