Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
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Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
forgive me baja for i have blast
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
He-man has a Masters degree
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.