Beauty and the Beast
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Yup!
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”