Beauty and the Beast
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
just got my engagement photos
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.