Beauty and the Beast
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Brands during Pride
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
only 11 steps left
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.