Beauty and the Beast
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My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Finally
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.