Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

no one likes gloating

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

never forget

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.