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I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Nice try, poison.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.