Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
A decision was made here.
Um … Hot Wings please
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
A comic by Dan Piraro
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house