[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Social Media and Real life
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.