Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”