Beauty and the Beast
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
(Musicians.)
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”