beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
He has no idea 🤡
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do