Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.