Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Smells like a challenge to me
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care