I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany