No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
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Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?