Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.