Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
no exceptions
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.