Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”