Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.