Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
marvel comics have peaked
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
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