Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.