Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.