Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Suuuuure

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.