beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
You Might Also Like
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET