Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
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[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
