Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.