Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”