Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

NASA has no chill

At least he brought enough for everyone