Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.