Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled