Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.