Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real