Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

Steam Forums

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO