Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
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8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming