Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
How does someone manage that 🤨
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!