“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
my mom making me talk to relatives
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.