“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes