@SkippyMcGizzard

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

@Phoebetate

To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

@SarcasticAlly12

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@suecorvette

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

@thepunningman

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

@_steamy_mac

Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away