“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
The French word for sex is croissant.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Breaking news:
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.