Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
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ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*