Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
CUTE CAT‼︎
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides