Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

good for her

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

FRED: right

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.