Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?