Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

That’s easy for you to say

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

Siri, fight Alexa.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’