Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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mom gave me mine for free
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.