Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
That’s classic.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.