Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it