Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.