Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.