Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names