Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
You Might Also Like
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep